Friday, October 17, 2014

Rocking Life

One would think life with a newborn would be separated in nice little blocks of time. Time to nurse the baby, and really at the most, it can surely take no longer then an hour. But instead two hours somehow slipped under the door and disappeared into the woods never to return.  I chased it for awhile but finally gave up in despair only to discover yet another hour had slipped off in my absence. 

   I rock and rock and rock my baby. I push her hair back over her forehead and gently touch her delicate little ears. She stares up at me while she is nursing, and her eyes are so big and so dark and so knowing that I catch my breath. 

 My house is messy and my children are happy. Well, mostly happy. Sometimes they miss me, as I rock, and nurse and yawn. 
   Somehow as my life is spent rocking, my oldest has become a half grown up sprout wearing size 14 jeans, and gloating as he continues to rise closer and closer to my own height. 
   I stayed up the other night, late into the night. 
To knit. 
Yes it's true. 
I craved the feeling of soft fibers between my fingers, the magic of an age old art spinning out from under my hands. Now I have a tiny sweater half made. I can't wait to put on my littlest person next winter. 

  Little people surround me, they make me laugh, they hug me. I am somehow their favorite mother and I do not understand how it happened when I can see so many of my own flaws. It is however, in the living, the reaching out with both hands and wrestling life into a full stop, refusing to allow a single more day go by without laughter and that one fun thing. It's in asking forgiveness and assuring them that mama and daddy are not perfect  and will make mistakes too. It's in sometimes overlooking the dust and the piles of unironed shirts, it's in soft buttery sandwiches and tall glasses of chocolate milk. Life, however flawed is extra good in a big family. 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

39 exhausted weeks....

I am 39 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I have friends who tell me they are pregnant. One very dear friend from ND sent me an excited text with the wonderful news and a picture of those beautiful pink lines on the pregnancy test. I rejoiced with her when I saw her teeny tiny little baby belly that is so real to her, but to me with my VERY stick outy baby belly seems like a totally flat belly. But I know how it is, I look back over my baby bump pictures and I am astonished. How does one go from so tiny to so big in such a small amount of time??

19 weeks? (just guessing) 

39 weeks
How is it possible that a grain of rice surges into a 7 lb baby in only 9 months time?

 Ahh but I am tired and ready to move past this stage, let me have my baby in exchange for prelabor contractions, let me have all night nursing marathons versus all night run to the bathroom marathons, let me cuddle this child that has been created inside me instead of this pillow I use to prop up my belly that lays in front of me like a entity completely separate from myself. 

   Friends make me laugh, friends make the way easier and better. Love, concern, impatience for me. It sinks deep inside my soul and refreshes what becomes empty.

This is honestly the best of times and the worst of times. Things hurt that I had not even known were an actual feeling part of me, I hover on the edge of going into labor, I sit on the side of the cliff and swing my legs in the breeze. Somebody please, push me over the edge!! 

36 weeks

My husband laughs as he sees me walk from the bed to the bathroom and back and forth and back and forth.  He watches in amazement as a small foot pushes out hard and travels across the globe of my belly. He carefully touches it and pushes it back in. The foot pushes back strongly and we both have to laugh. I try to reconcile in my head that this belly that is warm and alive with a life of its own will convert into a child. A baby that will sleep and nurse and live. 

Come baby, come because I am so ready to have you in my arms and so tired of having you in my belly!